That's A Low Blow, Hollywood

I realized at a relatively early age that I would be a horrible humanitarian. Given the content of this website it should come as no surprise that I made this self-revelation through the medium of film. Independence Day arrived in the CGI summer of 1996 along with fellow big budget flicks Twister and Dragonheart. It was a great time to be 11 years old. It was, however, not a great time to have a mother that wanted to monitor every piece of cinema that was burned into my retinas and seared to my impressionable mind. The thought of seeing a PG-13 movie before I was 13 was completely out of the question. Two years and one family DirecTV subscription later I was parked six inches in front of the TV captivated by the impending doom about to befall Los Angeles at the hands of the alien ships. Along with the crumbling buildings and exploding cars, waves of humanity were wiped out but I could care less. All I cared about was whether Bobo, Will Smith's family dog, made it out of this alive. "Move little girl holding the teddy bear screaming for her life. I can't see the dog." Happily, against the laws of probablity and all physics, Bobo made it out alive along with the Will Smith's stripper girlfriend and her bastard son. It didn't matter to me that countless people had lost their lives as long as Bobo made it out okay because to kill the dog would be just cruel. That was the thought process in my 13 year old mind. Apparently it wasn't too far from the thoughts of director Roland Emmerich either. Emmerich's latest movie 2012 follows a basic premise: The world is ending and stuff blows up. I tuned into the movie after missing the first 20 minutes but doubt I missed any major plot points. I can sum up the review simply. It's bad. Even for disaster porn, this is bad. I like John Cusack and this is still bad. If you like special effects watch it once. That's all. It's that forgettable. But Emmerich once again decided to make it a reoccurring scenario during 2012 of the dog being in peril and humans, often at the risk of their own lives, going out of their way to ensure its safety. Even though I didn't care nearly as much about this dog as I did for my beloved Bobo from Independence Day, there was a part of me that was happy to see the dog make it out alive. Even if that meant countless human characters had been wiped out by the movie's end. But what about the opposite scenario? What about the filmmakers who simply use an animal's demise to prompt an emotional response from the audience? Does this add to the story or just a low blow from Hollywood. Or, more immature yet, is it simply a chance for guys to look upset in the theater in an attempt to fool their girlfriends into thinking they're compassionate? As opposed to writing a boring review of 2012 and simply rehashing what every other critic said about its blandness back in November, I have compiled a boring list of 11Hollywood movies that have used the demise of the canine to move the story along. Movies ranked starting with what had the least emotional effect on me and ending with what left me curled up in the fetal position wishing I could buy stock in Puffs Kleenex. Without further ado, "Welcome to Earff"! I can't reference Independence Day without using that line. Right, Will....? Exactly. On to the countdown. And yes I realize it's somewhat of a bleak countdown but I'm going through my goth phase and the world doesn't understand my pain. 11. The Movie: The Lost World: Jurassic Park The Set-Up: A T-Rex escapee runs amok in San Diego and manages to find its way into a family's backyard. The incessant barking of a small dog apparently enrages the T-Rex enough that he eats it...and the doghouse. The dog's family's last image of beloved Fido is his leash and doghouse hanging from T-Rex teeth like a pizza slice from Hradek's drunken mouth (yeah, it's a call-out Hradek to write your Commando review already). Still, this is the second worst thing to ever happen to San Diego. Number 1 pictured below:

How Much It Upset Me: Minimal. First of all, a T-Rex taking the time to eat a dog or even humans would be like trying to feed my appetite by eating a meal solely of 3 Fritos. Fritos that move around, hide, scream and ultimately poop themselves before I can eat them. And you can't feel too bad for the family. To their 12 year old boy, there are few ways that are more bad ass for a dog to die than being eaten by a Tyrannasaurus Rex. Okay maybe if the dog died in a plane battle fighting off Nazis...... He made the Red Baron his bitch....literally. 10. The Movie: Shooter The Set-Up: Shooter is a standard action B movie starring Mark Wahlberg featuring the classic plot of a complete bad ass who's betrayed, left for dead and then commences to go on a revenge-fueled rampage. It's a familiar plot but this film does it well and it's entertaining watching Wahlberg mow down baddies with a sniper rifle from close to a mile away while making a conscious effort to not speak with a Boston accent. To add insult to injury, Wahlberg learns from a television report that his dog has been shot presumably by the men who betrayed him. How Much It Upset Me: It is disturbing that the villains would go to the effort of shooting Marky Mark's dog (his canine, not a slang word for his friend) just to make it look like Wahlberg did it and is crazy. But we only saw the dog for maybe 10 seconds of the movie and it was being fed beer so it had a good run; a much better fate than the tiny dogs destined to live in Paris Hilton's purse. This is clearly an issue of the writers writing the dog out of the movie out of a A) laziness B) spite because the dog held out in contract talks for more money if there was a sequel. I was actually more upset that Shooter did not turn out to be a biopic of this man: Side note: I'm still waiting for Tiger to go full villain mode and pull out the Shooter McGavin finger guns after sinking a putt. But I digress. 9. The Movie: American Gangster The Set-Up: Ridley Scott's true story depiction of drug dealer, entrepreneur and snappy dresser Frank Lucas. It stars Denzel Washington as Denzel Washington who answers to the name Frank Lucas and Russell Crowe, who must have serious abandonment issues with Ridley Scott because neither one will make a movie without the other, as the cop Ritchie Roberts that brings Lucas' empire (including corrupt cops) down. Even though Lucas was a drug dealer and murderer he is not the central villain of the movie as Scott paints Lucas and Ritchie in shades of grey showcasing their flaws along with their laurels. A mustachioed Josh Brolin provides the film's true villain as a corrupt cop who steals Lucas' secret fortune of cash. Since stealing money from a drug dealer isn't really enough to make the audience hate a character, he shoots Denzel's dog to get to the cash underneath the doghouse. A simple "C'mere boy" is how I always got our dog to move but to each his own. How Much It Upset Me: It raised the blood level a bit but again, it's pretty hard to find sympathy for a criminal as notorious as Frank Lucas. It did make me hate Brolin's character more though. I think the fact the shooting was committed by a former Goonie made it significantly more disturbing.

Maybe the Truffle Shuffle would cheer him up

Brolin's bad deeds do not go unpunished though as he and his crooked cop cronies are outed by Lucas in exchange for a shorter prison sentence. Rather than face prison, Brolin's character decides to redecorate his head with some new holes courtesy of a revolver. Everyone feel better now that the dog killer offed himself? Good. Moving on. 8. The Movie: Signs The Set-Up: Before M. Night Shymalan, Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix all went certifiably insane from ego, biological imbalance and a publicity stunt respectively they all collaborated to make Signs in 2003. The movie centers on an alien invasion seen through the eyes of a family led by Gibson as the patriarch.

Tell us Mel, what race is a bigger threat: alien or every ethnic minority?

The family is tipped off that aliens are in their midst when massive crop circles begin appearing not only around their farm but also in other parts of the world. Apparently the aliens had the technology and superior intelligence to navigate the cosmos finding Earth but couldn't find their way around Earth without making massive crop signs to find their way around. At least that's what the citizens of Earth believe the crop circles mean. I would like to think that they were messages which translated things like "Dibs on Hawaii" or "Xenox is a douche". Anyway, Gibson's family is completed by Phoenix as his brother, a creepy Culkin kid as the older son, a daughter and two dogs. That's right two dogs. Which leads us to three scenarios: 1) Both dogs survive the invasion. 2) One dog dies to get sympathy from the audience but the audience still feels okay because one dog lives 3) The dogs are both killed in a disturbing manner but the Culkin mouth-breather kid survives. This is Shymalan. They both die. How Much It Upset Me: Meh. The way that the dogs were done in was disturbing as hell but they were never in the movie and the family didn't even care about them. Apparently the presence of the aliens caused strange behavior in animals and made them more aggressive. So during a barbecue Dog 1 starts to growl and this is cause enough for the Culkin kid to stab it in the heart with a steak knife. Okay, so obviously he wasn't the biggest fan of Dog 1. So now that they're down to 1 dog you would think they would be a little protective of it. Nope. With hours of prep time before the aliens attack the home the family finds time to board up every window and cook their last meal of choice. What they don't have time to do is get the bloody dog inside the house. We're then treated to listening to the aliens strangle/beat Dog 2 into silence. Maybe get a gerbil next time. 7. The Movie: 8 Below The Set-Up: I'm well aware this is the third Paul Walker movie I've referenced on this website. Shut up. Don't look at me like that. We find Mr. Walker this time as a guide in Antarctica at a US research base along with eight sled dogs and Jason Biggs. When a massive storm hits and the base must be evacuated Walker is told that the dogs will put the plane over the weight limit and must be left behind. Personally I found flaw with the script that they wouldn't at least debate leaving Jason Biggs behind and taking the dogs.

Jason Biggs = 4 dogs When it becomes evident that they won't be able to go back for the dogs for at least a few months, the movie shifts to a survival story centering on the dogs. Step one for the dogs is breaking the chains that the research team conveniently left them in before departing on the plane. One of the dogs dies of old age almost immediately. This is followed by another one that gets distracted looking at the northern lights and falls off a cliff. Yeah. I'm getting depressed just writing this stuff. Hold on, I have to light a few candles in here and block out any sunlight. How Much It Upset Me: It's a true story so not a lot of wiggle room for the writers. And the movie ends with 6 of the dogs surviving so an uplifting ending is still possible. What upset me most is the fact that the team tied up the dogs. I know they probably wanted to make sure they didn't wander thus making it easy to find and pick them up when the team came back from them. But didn't the possibility that they may not be able to go back for them immediately cross any one's mind? So the last image the dog had was their master tying them up, getting on a plane and leaving them in the coldest place on planet Earth. Given the short term memory of dogs, advantage: Paul Walker.

6. The Movie:: I Am Legend

The Set-Up:: Will Smith plays a government agent policing extraterrestrials who is forced to live in Bel Air with his parents. Oh excuuuuuse meeee if I don't actually take the time to watch these movies but the Wikipedia plot summaries are just as reliable. Actually, Will Smith plays Dr. Robert Neville who is supposedly the last man on Earth thanks to a virus (to which Neville is immune) that causes all humans to turn into zombies. The movie actually warns that the zombie apocalypse should be starting around 2010 which means there could be walking undead roaming the streets now looking for new flesh.

Kill it! Killlll Itttttt!!!

The only companion Neville has to keep him company is a German Shepherd left behind by his young daughter. Given that the director wants an emotional response from the audience by killing a character and there are only two characters in the movie, Smith and the dog, guess which one gets bitten by zombie dogs and meets the great Milkbone in the sky. I'll give a small hint. It has four legs and humps furniture.

How Much It Upset Me: Walking into this movie, one had to figure that the dog was probably not going to survive a zombie infested city. What made this particularly hard to watch was that Smith was forced to strangle his own dog to death as it slowly morphed into a killing machine in his arms. I will say Smith's facial expression was some solid acting as he slowly killed his only friend and link to his departed family. Doubling the creepiness factor was Smith humming Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" right before committing the difficult act. Using an innocent song before or during a gruesome event. Someone should waste some hours off their life and write an article about that. 5. The Movie: Old Yeller The Set-Up: It was an inevitability for this to show up on the list at some point. One of the most well known sad endings that lives on as a classic to traumatize kids with grief over Old Yeller's fate along with instilling a powerful fear of rabies. It's pretty unnecessary to do a plot summary but in case there is a mystery surrounding the fate of the family dog here's a helpful equation: Dog + Rabies + Shotgun wielded by sobbing 14 year old + Movie made in time before Old Yeller Happy Meal toys were an option - 1 Man Card =

How Much It Upset Me: We're moving into the more brutal part of the list. I believe the first and last time I watched this movie was when I was around 8years old and I still remember it vividly. This is far from the only movie on the list that spends the whole movie introducing you to a dog and its connection to a family only to rip it away from you in the last 15 minutes of the movie. What actually upset me the most was that the entire reason I wanted to see the movie in the first place was because Old Yeller was a segment on one of the sing along VHS tapes I had when I was really young. How do I remember that tape if it was that long ago? Because I literally wore that tape out. As in it wouldn't play in the VCR anymore. Thanks to the glorious invention of the Internet here is the clip featuring Old Yeller himself:

As evidenced by the video, the movie Old Yeller looks like a fun romp featuring a loveable dog set in days of the frontier farms. Sure there's a fracas with a bear every once in awhile (which is unreal that they got the dog and bear to fight for the filming of a Disney movie) but overall it looks like a happy movie for those who haven't seen it. I guess a fourth verse to the song with Mickey head bouncing over lyrics detailing shooting a rabid animal wouldn't have sold a sing-along video too well. 4. The Movie:Turner and Hooch

The Set-Up: The 1989 Tom Hanks had probably never heard of anyone named Forrest Gump and the word Philadelphia brought to mind cheesesteaks and obnoxious fans instead of Oscar gold. Actually Hanks' career was floundering at that point. Big was still a blip on the future's horizon and Bonfire of the Vanities, The 'Burbs and Volunteers were not only box office misfires but they did little to boost his image as a solid leading man. Basically at this point he was an ab-less Matthew McCaughney. Enter the script for Turner and Hooch. Not to be confused with the upcoming buddy sitcom of the same name:

Hooch is crazy and Mr. Turner owns the Braves. Watch sitcom gold as they share a condo.

For those who have not seen the film, Tom Hanks plays a cop who forms an unlikely (isn't it always?) bond with a slobbering mutt who is the only witness to a key town murder. Hijinks and hilarity ensue as Hanks grows to love the dog only to watch it shot coming to his defense at the end of the movie. If you're looking for the video of Hooch actually getting shot, search for a therapist and say hi to Mike Vick for me. Vick is still a relevant reference right?

How Much It Upset Me: A lot. Thinking this was family friendly entertainment I was shown this movie when I was six. Not the ideal age to watch doggie go bye bye on a vet table as a sobbing Tom Hanks weeps over him. My parents were shocked at the ending as I would have been too. For all intents and purposes this was marketed as a semi-kids movie. If anyone else felt like this was a Disney movie he would be justified. Disney in effect made the movie but, I'm guessing due to the upsetting violence of the dog death, distributed it under the Touchstone Studios name. After some of Disney's stankest farts, Touchstone was/is the dog in the corner on which they were always blamed.

Hanks has made reference himself that the movie killed any Hooch merchandise by his death. But Big also came out in 1989 and this movie became an afterthought except to those who still fondly remember the one they call Hooch. Extra rant: It is a small step in the heartwarming direction watching the epilogue as Hanks and the destructive offspring of Hooch interact. What I found strange even back then and definitely now is the credits sequence in which stills of the movie are played in the background. Just in case you missed the plot point of Tom Hanks screaming at the dog in his grape smugglers, here's a reminder. Enjoy and yes that is Carl Winslow at the beginning of the clip. 3. The Movie: Marley and Me The Set-Up: Jennifer Aniston's biggest box office success resulted from riding the coattails of her four legged costar. The movie also starred Owen Wilson and chronicled the life of a Golden Retriever as well as the family with whom he grew up. Nothing particularly stands out about this movie but it will resonate with anyone who has ever owned a dog and dealt with the fun times, the frustrations and ultimately the loss. And when I say loss I don't mean Marley gets lost three quarters of the way through the movie and then there's a happy reunion at the end. I mean loss as in "our family knows the dog is sick and we're going to spend hours of deliberation and self-inflicted sorrow before we pull the trigger and do the humane thing." This, coupled with listening to Aniston deliver dialogue for two hours, makes it an incredibly depressing experience by the time the final credits roll. Funny that when the film first came out the marketers failed to mention this part. Awwww, wook at da puppy..... How Much It Upset Me: Ouch, quit it. There's a certain amount of understanding that goes into buying/adopting/finding a dog and taking it home. The owner will get considerable enjoyment and laughs from the four legged family member but in the back of his mind he knows the day is coming in which he'll have to say goodbye for good. And considering 12 years to a dog is getting into Monty Burns in human years the amount of time spent with the dog is somewhat limited. I'm not saying Marley and Me is an Oscar worthy movie and I thought much of the first two thirds was yawn-worthy but what it does scarily well is depict just how hard it is to say goodbye. When we put our boxer down I was 16 years old and it ripped me apart. This film will rip that scab open with authority to anyone who has ever had to hold his dog and say goodbye as its eyes shut the final time. What are you looking at? We just swept the floors of the house and some dust got in my eyes. Time for the home stretch of emotional scarring. 2. The Movie: All Dogs Go To Heaven The Set-Up: Renting movies in the Brooks household was a special event. So at the age of 7 when my parents left for a wedding and I was left home with my sister and the VHS rental of All Dogs Go To Heaven I was excited. I remember running through the house singing a celebration song the lyrics to which solely consisted of "All Dogs Go To Heaven, All Dogs Go To Heaven, All Dogs Go To Heaven". Lyrics on the same creativity level as a Fergie song. Suffice it to say that my viewing experience did not live up to expectations unless said expectations were to be scared so badly in parts that I was using my blanket like a riot shield. In the first twelve minutes, the dogs gamble at a casino and get the main protagonist dog (voiced by Burt Reynolds who sounds about as enthused to be in an animated movie as you would expect) drunk with the goal of killing him by running him over with a truck. So in the first twelve minutes they've managed to work in a first on this list: dog death as an indirect result of alcohol use. Little surprise that the creator of this movie, Don Bluth, is Irish. I'm not saying the Irish are inherently drunks but I'm white with little athleticism and a penchant for Coldplay. Stereotypes exist for a reason. "Uhhh Don, was that Bailey's bottle empty when you came in with it this morning? And where are your pants?" How Much It Upset Me: This film stuck with me for awhile and not because I enjoyed it. Even at that young age I saw the hapless attempt to recreate Disney success by randomly forcing songs into the plot line. And just because you can wave enough money and Denny's coupons in front of Burt Reynolds to make him sing, doesn't mean you should. What disturbed me the most though was that, because Burt Reynolds dog came back to Earth after death, he forfeited his place in heaven. As a result, he's haunted in dreams by the equivalent of the Dog Devil.

No. Completely wrong.

Closer but add a touch less "crazy owner" and a smidgen more "bed-wetting night terror"

Good enough.

It amazes me that there was enough support for this movie to support a theatrical sequel, a TV show and a Christmas special. I dug around online and I guess critics liked it because it taught kids at a young age to think about life after death. Not only was my 7 year old mind incapable of processing that kind of information, I didn't care to unless the secret to life after death was lodged somewhere in my nose in which case I would gladly spend countless hours searching for it. You would think Satan Dog would be the last entry on the list but there was still one more dog death in film that upset me more. Thankfully I don't think anyone else saw it. The Movie: Stone Fox The Set-Up: After studying the Iditarod in third grade, our teacher showed us a movie. It wasn't about the Iditarod. It was just about dog sled racing but any movie that showed any sort of relevance to the lesson would be gladly employed by the teacher just so she wouldn't have to talk for two hours. I would give the educational system a letter grade but I don't know which letter would represent a mouth fart while rolling my eyes. The movie was called Stone Fox and it basically told the story of a poor boy living with his huskie and grandfather in Alaska. The grandfather gets sick and the family can't afford medicine so the boy enters a local dog sled race for a cash prize. The problem is that instead of a team of dogs to pull his sled, he just has the one huskie. But it's okay because the boy and the sled are really light. This is the equivalent of entering the Indy 500 with a John Deere lawn mower and attaching a sail to even up the odds. Because of some shortcut across the frozen lake, the boy is in a position to win when the dog drops dead in slow motion from a heart attack. The boy still wins because some Native American bad ass threatens to shoot anyone that passes the kid as he carries his dog across the finish line.

Cool Runnings definitely stole the ending

How Much It Upset Me: Through the roof. The only proof I have is that 17 years later I still remember the ending of a movie starring Uncle Jed from "The Beverly Hillbillies."

See?

It looked like such an uplifting ending. The boy's grandfather was going to get his medicine and they could all move out of the run-down cabin. The dog's love and the boy's perseverance pulled the family out of debt. People who actually spent time and money on dog racing were going to lose to a one man amateur team. I could have gone without this ending of the dog's heart exploding like John Candy's after a Baconator bender.

Miss you, John (drinks from Crisco bottle and then pours some on ground)

That's it. The absolute most depressing compilation list I've ever made. I'll be in the bathroom crying and reading uplifting snippets from Reader's Digest if anyone needs me. Let me know what the next list should be. And my heart is too fragile right now to do "Top 10 Movies Playing in the Background as Curt Was Shot Down By Various Women". At the very least that title would need work. Go hug your dog. If you don't have a dog, here's trampoline dog.